NEON CACTUS WINES

“The Scots do not drink. During the whole of two or three pleasant weeks spent lecturing in Scotland, I never on any occasions saw whisky made use of as a beverage. I have seen people take it, of course, as a medicine, or as a precaution against illness, or as a wise offset against a rather treacherous climate, but as a beverage, never.

“There are seventeen reasons advanced in Scotland for taking whisky. They run as follows: Reason one, because it is raining. Two, because it is not raining. Three, because you are just going out into the weather. Four, because you have just come in from the weather. Five; no, I forget the ones that come after that. But I remember that reason number seventeen is ‘because it canna do ye any harm.’ On the whole, reason seventeen is the best.”

~ Stephen Butler Leacock, Ph.D , FRSC (1869 ~ 1944) Canadian writer and economist

[I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll drink the red.]

I went to a party last night where the other guests and I enjoyed copious amounts of wine. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with flu-like symptoms such as headache, nausea, chills and sore eyes. Some initial testing shows that I am unfortunately suffering from what experts are calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious, and it appears this is not an isolated case.  Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.  To anyone who starts to exhibit the above tell-tale signs, experts are recommending you drink a cup of tea and lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and take some Advil (this seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald’s Big Mac can also help in some cases.  If not, then further application of wine, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within 24 to 48 hours. Cheers!

NOTE: If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners.

A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner. “Much obliged,” said he, pushing the plate aside. “I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills.”
~ Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men… Men are like wine. They begin as grapes and it’s up to women to stomp on them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Mankind possesses two supreme blessings. First of these is the goddess Demeter, or Earth, whichever name you choose to call her by. It was she who gave to man his nourishment of grain. But after her there came the son of Semele, who matched her present by inventing liquid wine as his gift to man. For filled with that good gift, suffering mankind forgets its grief; from it comes sleep; with it oblivion of the troubles of the day. There is no other medicine for misery.   ~ Euripides c. 485-406 B.C.

Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

A: None. It just lets out a little wine.

“Food without wine is like life without laughter!”
~ Tony Walker, Australian winemaker